I Gotta Go Pray
by alleah91
Summary: This is Lyla's thought process during Ep. 2x05 "Let's Get It On" as she dances with both Tim and Jason. I guess it has a little of Tim/Lyla and Jason/Lyla pairings, but I don't think it leans one way or the other. Please read and review!


**I wrote this story after watching Ep. 2x05 "Let's Get It On." It's a retrospective on Lyla's thought during the final scene in Mexico with Jason and Tim. I know what happens in later seasons, and I am a Lyla/Tim fan, but this fic isn't about that...it's about Lyla's feelings for both of them. I don't own FNL, wish I did, because then I could spend time with all those beautiful boys. Thanks for reading, and please review!**

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I used to think that true love was absolute. I used to think that once you found that perfect person, that was it. I used to think I would just know, and have some gut feeling when I found absolute love. I used to think I had it. I used to.

I grew up knowing I would be the perfect daughter, student, girlfriend, cheerleader, person. I grew up knowing Jason. I grew up loving my parents and pleasing them. I grew up knowing Tim, and knowing not to get involved. I grew up judging the people that always stumbled, the ones that messed up. But then an unexpected thing happened: I grew up. I stumbled. I messed up. I was judged.

I guess this is my long way of getting to the point. I thought love was absolute, unchangeable, determined, and enduring. And maybe it is, but I thought you could only really love once. What I'm trying to say is, I always thought it was impossible to love two people at the same time. I thought it was impossible until it happened to me.

I loved Jason before the accident because he made me feel perfect. I felt unstoppable with him, like not just that we could take on the world, but that the world was ready for us to take it. But that was the problem. I loved him because he was what I should have loved. Jason was the type of boy I grew up believing I was made for.

I loved Tim because he made me feel whole. Not perfect, just…complete in the worst way at the time. I guess I was "with" him because he could give me something physically and emotionally that Jason was incapable at the time, but eventually, I just felt like a normal girl around him. And not normal like the normal kind of girl he usually banged, but I didn't feel like a superhero anymore, and I liked that. With Jason, I felt like I was perfect, but perfection wasn't the goal. The goal was something even more, something that was impossible to reach, but we were going for it. With Tim, I was myself, I was a human, with flaws and passion, and I wasn't afraid to show it.

But after the accident, after Tim was over, I loved Jason because he needed me. It was my time to show him we could be perfect again. My love for him was by no means desperate, but it was out of desperation to be that flawless girl again. Jason needed me to be perfect for him again, or so I thought.

And then, suddenly, I realized I loved them both. I loved them because I was different, because I was the same, because they were different, but the same. I love d them both, and still do, because the three of us, we're Texas forever. We're joined by some inexplicable and twisted connection of love for each other. Maybe that's why I came to Mexico, on the request of one boy I love to save the other one I love. Maybe it's because I love them both together, Maybe I can't love one without the other. Maybe not, but maybe so.

I'm dancing in Mexico, and we must look like the craziest group of kids you've ever seen. A cripple, a drunk, and a Christian walk into a bar. Sounds like a bad joke, but it's just a little messed up. We dance, we drink, we kiss.

"I gotta go pray."

I gotta go pray because I'm in love with two boys, and I don't know how to change that. I don't know how to stop loving Tim, a hedonist if I ever saw one, but my hedonist. I don't know how to stop loving Jason, because that's like admitting I was never and will never be perfect.

I can't stop loving Tim, because he makes me be real, and on some level, I think me facing my flaws saves Tim from his. I can't stop loving Jason because I'm afraid what will happen if my "perfect" side isn't around to save him.

I gotta go pray because I can't love these two boys forever. I can't save both. I gotta go pray because I gotta choose.


End file.
